Sex in 2025: Extremism, Vulnerability and Discovery – One Pleasure Party Pioneer Shares His Insights

Queer cabaret performances, bondage workshops, giant games of spin the bottle and hundreds of glitter-festooned, mostly-naked revellers... Since it launched five years ago, Pinky Promise has become one of London’s most in demand ‘pleasure positive’ parties. Regularly selling-out its1,000-strong events, this summer, 300 ‘sensual deviants’ will be decamping to Berlin for a three-day pleasure festival. Focusing as much on fun and frivolity as on intimacy and exploration, the collective of sex educators and event creatives who make up the Pinky Promise world has quietly revolutionised the capital’s erotic landscape. How? By taking the focus off intercourse.

As founder Jared Philippo explains, a generation came out of the “enforced isolation and introspection” of Covid lockdowns with a desire for fun: “And that didn’t necessarily mean, you know, hard techno and penetration.” Indeed, the fifth anniversary is a significant milestone precisely because the first Pinky Promise party happened just a month before the country first went into lockdown. “It was kind of crazy timing,” laughs Jared, “but in a way, I think the pandemic helped us all to become more intentional around sex. People dropped their masks; we all became more public about our needs – emotional, as well as sexual – and it became easier to be openly vulnerable.” All of which has had a direct impact on the scene. “These parties used to be cloaked in secrecy, like people didn’t want their friends and neighbours knowing. Now, having a photographer there is totally normal; you want to show off what you’re wearing, you want to show that you’re engaging with this space. The shame element just isn’t there anymore.”

Still, vulnerability and openness are not getting much airtime, as sex extremism dominates the public discourse around sex, largely thanks to porn performers such as Bonnie Blue and Lily Phillips, who have recently gone viral for sleeping with hundreds (or in Blue’s case, more than 1,000) men in 24 hours. “It’s certainly an interesting time to take stock of where we are with intimacy,” says Jared. “I watched the Lily Phillips [YouTube] documentary recently, and actually I think it showed her in this vulnerable way – questioning what this numbers game all means.”

For Jared, we’ve found ourselves at the natural meeting point between sex and our attention economy. “With Bonnie Blue and Lily Phillips, there’s a whole marketing component,” he notes. “If you’re part of that [OnlyFans] economy, you need to be ambitious, loud, gregarious in order to get attention and to make a name for yourself – I respect that.” Though the video-on-demand site OnlyFans launched in 2016, it wasn’t until 2020 that it truly entered the public consciousness, thanks to a period of rapid expansion during the pandemic, when its user base grew by 75% in just one month, from March to April.

“The thing I find problematic is that it reduces intimacy to a numbers game – you know, five minutes of penetration, in and out. It’s really antithetical to what Pinky Promise stands for and it speaks to a wider problem where [mainly men] think that sex is just about finding the quickest way to cum.” The other issue, he adds, is that right now “we could be having conversations about consent culture or focusing on people who are asexual, but conversations about Bonnie Blue are kind of sucking all the oxygen out of the room. She often says things like, ‘I’m trying to make this a shame-free conversation, it’s OK to be a sex worker,’ and that’s great, but it would be great to have the opportunity to talk about
more meaningful ways of relating to a partner.”

Plus, extreme narratives and the online hate they generate create a very reactive environment, which can only be bad for sex and pleasure-positive spaces. In London, for instance, one of the biggest shifts that Jared has observed in the past half decade is in how authorities treat the venues that host parties like Pinky Promise. “They’re threatening clubs with closure or forcing them to change their licensing to be considered ‘sexual entertainment venues’ [a costly process that would put nightclub venues in the same category as sex shops], and venues are not willing to take the risk of having to change their license.” So while society is more open and ready to explore sex and sexuality, there’s a remaining sense of conservatism and censorship among those in power.

“It’s sad, because safeguarding and education is such a huge component of what we do,” he says. “People come to our events because we take safety so seriously – more seriously than at many nightlife venues.” From having an entire safeguarding team who patrol the events to make sure that revellers are behaving appropriately, to drilling ticket holders on consent as they enter the venue, safety at Pinky Promise is a big part of the offering.

And while sex isn’t the main focus, “we do have a playroom in case people want to explore more erotically – though really, we like to encourage people to think about what they’re craving.” That might be watching cabaret or it might be group sex, “But our whole ethos is about creating intimate and playful connections, without the feeling that they have to lead to anything sexual.” From love letter writing workshops and “confession booths where you can talk to our priest and act out your dirtiest sin to giant games of spin the bottle, it’s erotically charged fun”. So as London’s sex positive community continues to flourish in the post-pandemic period, the question is: are you feeling horny? 

4 Ways To Have Great Sex, According To London’s Sex-Posi Community

1. “Turn On The Whole Body”

By Jared Philippo, founder of Pinky Promise

“Slow intimacy is all about taking your time with sex and trying to engage all parts of the body. It sounds so basic but I think this is one of the most overlooked principles of building up desire and trust. To reach a true full-body turn on takes time and attention. Enjoy being slow; see how different body parts respond to different sensations. It’s a great way to really connect with the body – and makes sex all the more satisfying.”

2. “Don’t Be Afraid To Be Cosy”

By Ruby Rare, author of The Non-Monogamy Playbook and an award-winning sex educator

“I’m a big believer in sex being this enriching, expansive, exciting part of our lives and I want everyone who feels called to explore and try new things, to be able to dive into that. But I’m also aware of the pressure it can bring: in trying to redress the shame we’ve inherited about our bodies, pleasure and our relationships, we might end up inviting a new set of pressures and expectations via sex positivity. It’s like we suddenly ‘have’ to be these wild, hedonistic beings who are having multiple orgasms, going to sex parties or swinging from the chandeliers. That’s cool, if that’s what you like doing – but don’t be afraid to be cosy, be wholesome, be soft. It’s all a valid way to explore.”

3. “Turn Sex Into Playtime”

By Emma-Louise Boynton, a writer and the founder of the Sex Talks podcast

“My number one tip is always: approach sex from a position of curiosity. So rather than seeing it as a performance, where you’re acting out a certain ideal way to have sex, it is an opportunity for play. Each new encounter is an opportunity to explore your body and explore someone else’s – obviously all consensually – in a really fun, playful, silly way. Esther Perel talks about the playfulness of eroticism and I think that’s a really powerful way of seeing things – it doesn’t have to be serious, and it doesn’t have to follow a certain script.”

4. “Do It Sober”

By Miss Masochist, the founder of Lucid sober play parties and socials

“I spent many years thinking that alcohol made me fun and interesting – learning that isn’t true has been one of the most sexually liberating experiences of my life. Finding that confidence within myself – rather than as an effect of alcohol – has changed how I relate to others. I’m better at communicating my needs and I’m more intentional about how I play – all of which leads to better experiences. You really don’t need alcohol to get through that initial stage of feeling a little silly, and you’ll be surprised about how much more exciting sex can be when you’re fully present.”