“I Sleep At My Boyfriend’s, My Husband Sees Other Women – And We’re Still Married”: Deepa Paul On The Truth About Open Relationships

“People really need to rethink what they think they know about polyamory,” author Deepa Paul says, raising an eyebrow. Her debut memoir, Ask Me How It Works: Love In An Open Marriage (out 1 May), is a direct challenge to the fantasy-fuelled clichés that still dominate the conversation around the subject. Because while ‘ENM’ (that’s ethical non-monogamy) might be casually dropped into dating profiles, the real work – the desire, the jealousy, the logistics, the love – is rarely talked about. And Deepa’s story doesn’t just peel back the curtain; it tears it off completely.

While living in Amsterdam with Marcus, her husband of more than 17 years, and their teenage daughter, Deepa sleeps over at her boyfriend Robert’s house once a week. Other nights, she’ll stay home while her husband heads out to see another woman – all completely consensually.

It’s a rhythm that works for them – Deepa has her boyfriend, and has had casual partners, while her husband is open to casual connections – and one that reflects a quietly growing shift in how relationships are being reimagined. Deepa is part of a wave of people embracing forms of ethical non-monogamy that challenge long-held assumptions about love, sex and commitment. In the UK, YouGov found that 7% of adults said they’d been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship (up from 2% in 2015) while 23% say they’re open to the idea. In the US, 1 in 6 people would like to try polyamory. For Deepa, the distinction is clear: “Polyamory is the ability or capacity to have romantic and sexual relationships with more than just one person,” she says. “An open marriage is focused on more casual connections.”

This shift isn’t just happening behind closed doors. On dating apps, where new relationship norms are often beta-tested, non-monogamy is increasingly visible. Fourteen percent of Tinder users who display their relationship type choose consensual non-monogamous options, while Bumble found one in 8 people are considering a non-monogamous relationship. Meanwhile, Feeld – which refers to itself as “the dating app for open-minded individuals” – introduced a ‘Constellation’ feature in 2024, allowing users to publicly link to their partners and lovers. The result: a 966% growth in members who express polyamory or ethical non-monogamy as a desire.

Though for Deepa, this openness was a long time coming. Her curiosity about alternative relationship models began not on an app, but shortly after getting married. “I explored the world of kink by reading people’s fantasies on Craigslist,” she says. “It was like erotica, except it was live updates.” She hoped to share this awakening with her husband – who she describes as “worldly-minded and adventurous” – but his initial hesitation led to what she now calls her “underground years”. Eventually, she took a step further and arranged to meet Thomas, a man she’d been messaging through Craigslist.

Thomas and Deepa’s connection was never meant to leave the confines of their laptops, but it did, and when Marcus found out, it was make or break. In an attempt to come back together, the couple brought in communication coach Amanda, who came recommended thanks to her methods of non-violent communication.

Facilitating a conversation about unmet needs. She allowed both Marcus and Deepa to have a conversation, rather than an argument, but the biggest surprise came when Amanda validated that Deepa’s sexual needs weren’t inherently ‘wrong’, even if they had been expressed in a hurtful way. This led to weeks of what Deepa calls “limbo”, where Marcus admitted he considered leaving her. The couple were grieving, mourning the marriage they once had – but they didn’t know a new one was about to be born. Through vulnerable conversations, exposing the worst parts of themselves, Marcus and Deepa realised that they wanted and needed each other, and were willing to put in the work to meet both of their needs.

What followed set the foundations of their open marriage, which requires constant communication, trust and logistics: discussing each date as a couple before agreeing to it and co-ordinating dates and sleepovers to ensure someone is always at home with and available for their daughter. (One person I spoke to for this article explained the running joke that the poly Pride flag should be the Google Calendar logo.) “It requires a lot of emotional housekeeping,” Deepa says. “I always have to know how I feel so that I can communicate that to partners to prevent people from being hurt. I also still find myself judging myself harshly for being a bad girlfriend to my boyfriend, thinking he needs someone ‘normal,’” she admits. “But that really downplays the kind of strengths that I bring to the table as his partner. It involves a lot of unlearning, introspection and being honest with yourself.”

“It requires a lot of emotional housekeeping. I have to know how I feel so I can communicate that to partners”

Other boundaries include always practicing safer sex with barrier protection, regular STI tests and no sleepovers with other partners. “We used to call them rules, but rules are about controlling someone’s behaviour,” says Deepa. “A boundary is about communicating how I’d react to a particular situation,” she says, explaining that they agreed neither partner would share explicit sexual details unless requested, respecting each other’s moods and controlling the flow of information. In her book, Deepa writes that Marcus had a “visceral aversion” to specifics, whereas she liked to ask. “We also don’t sleep with friends and colleagues – it’s messy,” she adds.

As someone who comes from a mixed-Filipino and Indian background, Deepa’s perspectives on love, relationships and the body were shaped within cultures where traditional norms hold strong – and where deviation often carries a cost. In the Philippines, for example, divorce is illegal. “In my culture, I didn’t like seeing monogamous marriages carried out with no communication. There was a lot of self-sacrificing and silencing, especially on the part of the women, to deal with the domestic and emotional loads or even toxic and abusive behaviours.”

It’s a legacy she’s consciously rewriting in her own family. “My daughter knows about our open marriage and she sees a stable, affectionate relationship and happy parents. After all, there’s no guarantee that creates stability or a safe, secure space for children,” she says, adding that they never bring partners home.

So far, so utopian. But what happens when the cracks start to show? Arguments happen, and tensions rise. Is there resentment between partners? “My guiding principle is that I don’t use my time with one person to process difficulties I’m having with another partner,” she says. “They can see that I’m sad and hurting, but they know that they don’t have to fix it. My husband will just offer me ice cream. My boyfriend will almost always take my husband’s side and encourage me to fix things with him,” she laughs. “On the other hand, my boyfriend does struggle with jealousy and me not being as available, and has struggled with not being my priority.”

These behaviours have developed over time, too. “I really wish I’d been more patient, accepting and understanding in initial conversations with my husband in the early days. I’ve learned to sit with discomfort and not try to resolve things right away, or run away. It’s an ongoing lesson to slow down,” reflects Deepa.

Balancing multiple relationships while maintaining a sense of personal life is what Deepa finds most challenging. “I don’t watch TV and my house is messy,” she says. “In the beginning, I was caught up in all the options I had and dated a lot. But even then, my husband and I always made time for an intentional date, even if it’s just at home doing married couple stuff.” She also says that since meeting Robert on Tinder in 2020, she doesn’t really date, even though living in Amsterdam means nobody is more than 15 minutes away, which makes it much easier to fit everything, and everyone, in – as she explains, “It’s a very fuckable city.”

But, yes, jealousy is inevitable. After all, it’s a natural human emotion that doesn’t vanish just because the rules have changed. “It happens, but it’s a feeling, not a personality,” says Deepa. “In open relationships, everyone has signed up to do the work of managing jealousy.” Deepa admits it can be difficult, but that she’s learned strategies to self-soothe when she feels the familiar pang of jealousy – particularly when her husband described the “raw feminine energy” he experienced one night, a comment she initially took to mean this was something she lacked. “I sometimes just need to breathe or go for a walk, take myself out of the situation to be able to come back and communicate more rationally. I also try to distinguish jealousy from the envy of wishing I could be more carefree, like my boyfriend, who doesn’t have the same responsibilities, like a husband and daughter. He can go and have adventures and romantic flings in Berlin – I can’t.”

“In open relationships, everyone has signed up to do the work of managing jealousy”

Of course, Deepa’s approach to relationships is part of a larger cultural shift towards polyamory and non-traditional relationship structures. As Tinder’s relationship expert, Devyn Simone, puts it, “Young singles – especially Gen Z – are leading the change, empowered to explore relationships that align with who they are, not just what they were taught to want.”

Ashley Dos Santos, senior communications executive at Feeld, elaborates on this shift, noting, “What we’re seeing is a shift in dating culture, away from rigid relationship models and toward more expansive, personalised ways of connecting. The rise of ENM suggests people are craving flexibility and emotional honesty over performative perfection. In an era of dating burnout, these evolving dynamics feel less like rebellion and more like relief.”

This move toward emotional freedom and authenticity resonates with individuals such as Leanne*, 31, from London, who has been in an ENM relationship for nine years. She describes finding a partner with compatible views on sexual exploration as “a breath of fresh air”. For Leanne, knowing her partner can connect with others doesn’t signify that anything is lacking in their relationship. “It’s just a nice time,” she explains. The couple adapts, closing their relationship when they feel the need to focus on each other or deepen intimacy.

Marianne*, in her 40s and living in Brighton, echoes this sense of independence, describing herself as a “solo poly relationship anarchist”. She reflects on the growth she’s experienced: “I spent many years being monogamous because I didn’t know there were options. I now get to do all the things I’d dreamed about. If I sense a connection with someone, it’s not automatically forbidden, I can follow the natural path of things. The independence forced me out of my shell and has made me so much more confident and mature.”

As for Deepa, having explored that independence and sexuality with multiple casual partners, she’s now learned to cherish the mundane moments that come with a relationship. “It means it’s real – we’re not just using each other for thrills,” she says. It’s also meant that she’s been able to fulfil her needs without having to leave a husband she deeply loves – which is something other couples are also seeking, so as not to place the responsibility solely on one partner.

Deepa’s set-up is perhaps not what most people expect: a woman as a hinge between two separate partners. Instead, the stereotype is usually a throuple, often with two women and a man in a triad relationship. Deepa says she’s keen to dismantle this singular fascination, instead diving into the diversity of polyamorous relationships. “These stories are so much more interesting, but people only want to talk about the sex. I want to hear about racial diversity, multiple partners raising a child together... What are polyamorists in Japan, New Zealand or Fiji doing?” she asks, visibly excited.

So, what does the future look like for polyamory? For Deepa, it’s in flux. There’s no set structure for how a relationship should unfold, nor are current formations set in stone. Deepa seeks happiness and fulfilment for as long as that works for her and her partners. When it doesn’t? She’s not afraid of honest, complex communication, or sharing her own story to prove that there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to open relationships. After all, there’s only one way to find out how it works, and that’s to ask.

*Names have been changed