“I Sent The Text That Ended Us – Then My Period Arrived”: What No One Tells You About PMS & Relationships

I regretted the text almost seconds after sending it. In it, I’d outlined all the reasons why I was no longer happy in my relationship, listing my grievances one after the other like verbal weapons, each one a tiny explosion sparking out from my brain and onto the screen. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t take it very well and after a tense 20-minute phone call, we broke up.

Three days later, I got my period – and with it, a shedload of regret, shame and embarrassment.

It’s no secret that our menstrual cycle impacts our mood. Hormonal fluctuations throughout the month, especially during the luteal phase – the stretch between ovulation and the start of your period – can lead to a cascade of symptoms known as PMS. Around three in four women experience it, with mood swings, anxiety, fatigue and bloating among the most common signs.

But thanks to the proliferation of period tracking apps and a growing awareness of hormone health, there has been a significant uptick in conversations around how much of an impact this can have on every facet of our lives, from sleep and productivity to diet and exercise. Platforms such as Clue, Flo, and Period Tracker, boasting a combined 250 million+ downloads, encourage users to log emotional states and physical symptoms – including energy levels to sex drive – offering insight into patterns that were once dismissed or misunderstood.

And yet, one major area remains under-discussed: dating. Despite the fact that PMS can drastically alter how we communicate, amplify our reactions and heighten emotional sensitivity, we rarely talk about how our cycles affect our romantic relationships. And they do – profoundly, right? The emotional turbulence of PMS can strain conversations, distort perceptions and trigger overreactions, often leaving a trail of confusion or regret in its wake.

Take, Brittany*, 29, from London: “I went out for dinner with my boyfriend one night when my PMS was at an all-time high,” recalls Brittany*, 29, from London. After the meal, he decided to meet a friend for a drink, assuring her he’d come back to her flat later. “After two hours, I hadn’t heard from him, so I texted. He said he was going to stay out for a bit longer and probably wouldn’t stay at mine,” says Brittany. “I lost it and screamed at him down the phone. I said if he didn’t come back in 10 minutes, we were over and that I didn’t want to look at him again”

In hindsight, Brittany recognises her reaction as outsized. But in the moment, driven by emotional vulnerability and frustration, she saw nothing but red. It’s a scenario many menstruating people will recognise: rational thought hijacked by hormonal intensity, with relationships caught in the crossfire.

And we’ve all been there, right? The moment when something small triggers a massive emotional eruption, and suddenly, you’re on the phone with your partner like you’re ready to break up over something that, in hindsight, seems... well, kind of ridiculous. Brittany’s story is one lots of us have lived through – that feeling when the world’s crashing down because of a late dinner or a text that didn’t come when it was supposed to. You know it’s not actually about the thing you’re freaking out over. But in the heat of the moment, it feels like it is.

Countless women are nodding along to the same story. TikTok is full of people sharing relatable stories of breaking up during their luteal phase. Some are parodies – “When you swear you’ve never looked uglier, have a strong urge to break up with your bf and think you’re heading down another depressive spiral and then you realize you’re just in your luteal phase,” states one – while others are more educational: “For women with past trauma or attachment issues, these hormonal shifts amplify feelings of insecurity,” says another.   

“The emotional turbulence of PMS can strain conversations, distort perceptions and trigger overreactions, often leaving a trail of confusion or regret in its wake.”

And while scientific research in this specific area is limited, there is growing recognition of the link between menstrual phases and changes in emotional processing. One 2019 study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that women in their luteal phase experienced significantly greater emotional reactivity to interpersonal stressors compared to other phases of the cycle. These shifts may impact decision-making in all areas of life, including relationships.

“Throughout our menstrual cycle, the hormones oestradiol (the main form of oestrogen produced in the body), progesterone and testosterone fluctuate,” explains Dr Louise Newson, a physician and hormone specialist. “Levels of these hormones usually peak in the middle of our cycles and then rise again in the second half of our cycles (the luteal phase). Then in the days before our periods, levels of oestradiol and progesterone fall very quickly and are at their lowest just before our periods start.”

It’s the sudden drop that can cause common PMS symptoms, such as irritability, anger, intrusive thoughts and reduced motivation. “In the first half of the cycle, when oestrogen is on the rise, many women notice a stronger libido, greater confidence in social settings, and more emotional openness,” adds Dr Newson. “This can enhance intimacy and romantic connection. However, in the days leading up to a period, when progesterone dominates and oestrogen dips, some women experience a drop in libido, feeling more sensitive to criticism or become emotionally distant. These shifts can understandably affect intimacy and how we perceive our partner’s behaviour.”  

The effects are more acute for some women than others, particularly those with premenstrual disorders (PMDs) like premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which is a much more severe form of PMS that affects roughly 1.6 per cent of women around the world, according to a review of global studies from last year, though some estimate the figure is higher. Women with PMDs who are married or live with partners are more likely to experience relationship disruption, according to a study involving more than 15,600 women in Sweden, published in the Journal of Affective Disorders in 2024.

“Women who experience significant PMS often have brain chemistry that responds differently to these hormonal changes,” says Dr Kultar Garcha, GP and Global Medical Director at Flow Neuroscience. Oestrogen interacts with several neurotransmitter systems, including serotonin, dopamine, and GABA receptors, all of which are involved in emotional regulation. Progesterone, meanwhile, through its metabolite allopregnanolone, has calming or sometimes mood-dampening effects. “Research suggests that differences in how GABA receptors respond to allopregnanolone may explain why some women experience significant mood changes while others with identical hormone levels don’t,” adds Dr Garcha.

“This biological reality can lower the threshold for frustration or heighten emotional sensitivity. Small issues that might be easily managed at other times in the cycle may feel genuinely more distressing during the luteal phase. It’s like having your emotional skin temporarily thinned; your brain’s resilience is reduced, which cultivates a vulnerability that makes rejection or dating disappointments feel more devastating,” explains Dr Garcha. All this creates the perfect storm for negative thinking. Minor inconveniences or wobbles that might otherwise barely warrant a second thought can suddenly become devastating blows: one flippant remark from a Hinge date is enough to have you writing essays in your Notes app, while an unanswered text is suddenly confirmation that you’re completely unloveable. 

It’s important to understand that none of this invalidates the emotions we might experience during PMS. I’ve had exes ask if I’m on my period during arguments in an attempt to shift the blame, for example, which is, at best, infuriating and dismissive and, at worst, manipulative and possibly also a form of gaslighting. “It’s not that the concerns aren’t real – rather, the hormonal landscape has amplified emotional responses and potentially reduced access to the emotional regulation tools that typically help manage disagreements more calmly,” explains Dr Garcha. “Understanding this pattern doesn’t invalidate the emotions but provides context that can help both partners navigate these predictable changes.”  

“I’ve had exes ask if I’m on my period during arguments in an attempt to shift the blame, for example, which is, at best, infuriating and dismissive and, at worst, manipulative and possibly also a form of gaslighting”

Some women have learned how to harness this with the help of understanding partners. “There was a time when I felt really upset with my boyfriend recently but instead of spiralling, I talked it through with friends and was able to later communicate clearly with him about what I needed,” says Gigi, 26, from New York.

Part of this growth, she says, has been about being kinder to herself, which is something all of us could probably do a lot more. “I felt really sad I’d reacted like that,” says Brittany of her outburst. “Obviously, it’s annoying when someone doesn’t do what they said they were going to do but I didn’t need to react that way.” That same degree of guilt hit me, too, particularly when, after a long conversation with my partner, we got back together and I felt weighed down by the things I’d said.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t still take our feelings seriously. The concerns I’d expressed were real, albeit somewhat hyperbolically expressed. “There have been times when I’ve been frustrated while PMSing and later realised that it wasn’t just hormones, it was clarity I had been too burned out or scared to acknowledge before,” adds Gigi. “Instead of regretting those moments, I’ve learned to embrace them as emotional cues that help me grow and communicate better. Having a partner who’s willing to grow with you emotionally is far more important than pretending things are fine.”

Perhaps the only way out is to call for compassion. Sure, for our romantic partners but mostly for ourselves. Because hormone fluctuations are hard enough without all that self-flagellation and solipsism we tag onto them. Besides, as Gigi said, sometimes in those moments of wild, blackout rage, our bodies might be trying to tell us something. A few weeks after that argument, my partner and I split for good – and I wasn’t anywhere near my luteal phase.

*Name has been changed

Olivia Petter is an award-winning journalist, author, and broadcaster. Her debut novel, Gold Rush, is out now