Our first lessons in love often come in the form of examples, passed down by those who raised us. We asked three writers to explore this concept for the essay series, The Love Lessons I Inherited (That I’m Still Unlearning). Here, author and David Larbi reflects on priorities.
Growing up, I learned that being a good person was synonymous with putting other people’s needs ahead of my own. I am the second of five children and my heritage is Ghanaian, which means I was brought up to think in collective terms – to put other people first. Being one of the older siblings means I have even more responsibility to do so, and I cherish it. My siblings are some of the best people on earth; to think that I may have had a tiny part in that being the case is the ultimate point of pride.
If these bonds are so amazing, what could I possibly need to unlearn?
With so many people in our family, it was imperative that we looked after each other if we were all to be happy. Care and compromise were the constant order of the day and, because we genuinely love each other as people as well as siblings, we always did. To this day, it’s an exceedingly rare occurrence for a request to go unfulfilled, even if there’s a good-natured jibe or mocking sigh attached to it.
That followed me into my relationships as an adult. Taking care of the person I’m with has always been a priority; it’s been the priority. That sounds positive, and it mostly is, but at times it’s taken precedence over my own happiness.
When you feel that someone is not providing what you need, or even just something that you’d like, do you communicate it? Or do you tell yourself that it’s not all that important in an act you think of as a kind sacrifice? I’ve been guilty of the latter before – feeling upset at the way I’m being interacted with and dismissing my feelings as unimportant instead of vocalising them as I should have. Bottling things up only leads to resentment. Thankfully, it’s never manifested itself in serious arguments, but I have found myself having thoughts that aren’t reflective of the relationship I’m in – realising they exist because I have been keeping my upsets to myself instead of sharing them.
This is the conversation that changed everything for me.
“Are you sure you’re OK?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied.
“You say that but I’m not asking to ask, I’m asking to know. It’s fine if you’re not but I don’t want the answer you give out of instinct, I want an answer that you actually thought about, because I’m actually asking.”
Incredibly simple, for something so world-shifting. Now, whenever I have an issue with something or someone, I tell myself, “This person cares about you enough to care about this,” take a deep breath and address it in the moment – even though it may make me feel a bit nauseous!
The response I always get makes me wonder why I even held things back in the first place, but loving means learning, and learning I am. I’ve learned how to say, “I’ve been finding it difficult to say, but when you do XYZ, it bothers me and I struggle to let it go without a conversation.” I’ve found that in doing this, not only am I met with, “Thank you for telling me,” but it also facilitates the kind of open discussion that means feelings of upset are no longer something I find it hard to bring up.
I’ve learned that you have to care for yourself as you care for others – for your own sake, and for theirs. It’s the furthest thing from noble to martyr oneself for someone who isn’t asking for you to. It only means depriving somebody of the opportunity to love you properly, and that crosses the line into actual selfishness.
The process of unlearning is not the same as forgetting. I will always look after my person and put them first, but I now understand that his needs to be balanced with mine, and I have to allow myself to be provided for, too. The best relationships, I believe, bloom when each party is fully present and accounted for, while being considered and cared for by the other.
This article is part of On Connection, Service95’s special issue in partnership with Bumble. Discover all the stories here.
