5 Things I’ve Learned About Sex As A Neurodivergent Intimacy Coach 

It’s the first recording session for the NeuroProvocateurs podcast, and Jessica Stoya can’t keep a straight face.

“I made a living off of whimsy for 15 years, but it’s rare,” she cracks. “And even still at a certain point I had to be like, ‘What do manic pixie dream adults look like?’ ‘Cause this doesn’t last forever.”

Under the mononym derived from her grandmother’s last name, Stoya has performed, directed and worked in porn since 2007. She’s garnered a reputation as the performer having the most fun, often giggling with delight during scenes. And while plenty of words have been written assigning narratives to her work and life, it’s far more interesting to hear what Stoya has to say about herself – just see her articles on the topic in the New York Times, Vice and Slate, where she co-authors the column How To Do It.

At this point, Stoya, who has ADHD, has largely stepped away from the industry. However, she is not interested in denying how her previous occupation has fed directly into her current job title, a cluster of hyphenates that include writer, relationship coach and podcaster.

“It’s my desire for it to be a fairly smooth transition, rather than denial of or even attempt to help people forget that I was once a porn star,” she says. “A lot of my credibility as a coach and as a podcaster and a writer is based on the fact that I’ve seen and heard basically everything.” 

All threads of her experience are on display in her new podcast, NeuroProvocateurs. Featuring ‘neurospicy’ co-hosts Laurie Penny (author of Sexual Revolution: Modern Fascism & The Feminist Fightback), and Pam Shaffer (founder and therapist at Best Self Psych, and musician under the name Pearl Holly), the show is an unflinching exploration of love, sex, culture and neurodivergence. Equal parts chaotic, funny and honest, it’s the how-to, and how-not-to exploration for anyone who doesn’t quite vibe with societal standards.   

Here, Stoya draws on her years of experience in the porn industry and as an intimacy coach, sex educator and columnist to share her advice for navigating sex as a neurodivergent person...

5 Learnings About Neurodivergence & Sex, By Intimacy Coach Jessica Stoya

1. You Don’t Have To Accept The Titles Other People Give You – “Some titles I chafe at to this day, such as ‘activist’. I was and still am simply living my life, which is very involved with sexuality, over the course of almost two decades. We run into issues with other communities that are not sex-positive trying to stamp out our ability to exist or to do business, and I feel like that’s just self-defense. On the other hand, one of the tabloids called me a ‘sex artist’, and I loved that one! It’s so much more all-encompassing.”

2. We Need To Talk More About Neurodivergence & Sex – “When you’re meeting a new partner and beginning to engage in discussion of sexual interaction, know in your head that you don’t know this person, and you cannot assume things about them. So the way that we’ve taught consent for years is, ‘May I touch your arm?’ ‘Yes, you may.’ And really the thing to do is ask, ‘Hey, are you better with non-verbal consent?’ ‘Do you trust me and do I trust myself to read your face, body language and tone?’ And that’s just the most basic piece of sex advice ever, which is, find people you communicate well with. The big thing, that needs to be said out loud, is that a lot of us communicate in different ways and it’s important to establish: how are we going to communicate together?”

3. Boundaries Are Crucial – “Intellectually, one can explain that boundaries are how you keep yourself safe; how you communicate to other people what you are happy or unhappy to be involved in. That said, intellectually knowing and feeling [are different]. There will occasionally be people who will treat you like a villain for wanting to have autonomy and boundaries. You might have to feel like you’re in your villain era at first, when you’re setting boundaries. You have to engage your intellect to say, ‘no, the feeling someone is trying to put on me is wrong’. Ask for the space you need and the respect you deserve as a human.”

4. You Shouldn’t Have To ‘Pass’ – “Neurodiverse people often feel they have to act against their desires to fit in, or, you know, ‘pass’. I work with a lot of men, and they get told they should always be up for sex; that they should want a woman touching them. That’s not always the case. It’s a very common male experience to feel like they are wrong somehow, or being mean to a woman by saying, ‘Actually, no, I don’t want you throwing yourself at me, vulva first,’ or, ‘Please don’t stroke my chest. That’s weird for me.’

5. If You’re Neurodivergent, You Might Be Attracted To Kink – “People who are a specific kind of neurodivergent – one that comes with sensory processing differences – are [often] deeply drawn to sensory experiences that a big chunk of people don’t understand the appeal of. Rope, impact, latex, leather, for example. The grain of leather and the feel of the inside of leather, and both the actual feel of latex, but then the feel of sensation through latex. Also, the feel of sensation through silk. It’s this whole world, and neurodiverse people are often more attuned to textures. That’s one big way where kink and neurodivergence overlap.”

Laura Studarus (@laura_studarus) is a Los Angeles-based travel journalist who contributes to titles including BBC, Thrillist, Vice, Marie Claire and more