If one more person asks about my perfect Sunday, I might throw my phone in the Thames. It’s not actually an offensive question. But I’ve been asked it seven times in the past two weeks, on dating apps and in real life, and each time I mumble a variation of the same answer, the same thought crosses my mind: Have we got nothing better to say to one another?
This isn’t just me. More than 350 million people are on dating apps globally, all of us hunting for connection – romantic or platonic. For some, it’s going well – I have a friend who happily voice-noted me on the way home from a date last Saturday. I have another so deeply in love with a man she met on a dating app that it keeps me hopeful it might happen for us all. But for some of us, it’s just not clicking.
In the last five years or so, something has changed. I think back to the times I’ve spent hours glued to my phone, exchanging messages back and forth like tennis. It’s led to lengthy WhatsApp threads, late-night phone calls and dates where we’ve been on the hunt for anywhere that’s open past midnight, just so we can keep talking some more. Now, the collective opinion is that getting past the standard “How was your day?” feels like pulling teeth. What happened?
Nearly half of Gen Z and Millennials (48%) now spend more time interacting online than they do in real life. We’ve moved from a life of relative anonymity to one of constant surveillance, where we want receipts: WhatsApp threads we can scroll back through, likes and comments as proof of digital affection.
“The stakes are higher now. People are aware that a miscommunication doesn’t just end with hurt feelings – it could end up being shared beyond the two people involved,” says Shan Boodram, sex and relationship expert at Bumble. Without that trust, how we connect with one another has changed. We’ve all changed.
We’re more connected than ever, and more isolated for it. “We walk around click-clacking on our phones, we glaze past self-checkout machines, move around cities with headphones in, head down,” says writer Annie Lord, whose novel The Project holds a mirror up to modern dating culture. “No one talks to each other – we Google stuff instead of asking.” We’re literally speaking fewer words to each another: 338 less per day than in 2019. Between the endless scroll and a multi-generation aversion to phone calls (we should really address this – ideally over WhatsApp), we’ve built a wall between us and actual talking. By not saying our feelings aloud, we’re distancing ourselves from each other.
Between the endless scroll and a multi-generation aversion to phone calls, we’ve built a wall between us and actual talking
“A lot of modern communication seems to happen at the level of information. What we’re missing is intimacy,” says William Rayfet Hunter, author of Sunstruck and founder of Commonplace – “a supper club for readers”. “We’re very good at exchanging facts about ourselves: where we went, what we watched, what we’re doing next. But connection often begins somewhere beyond that, when a conversation takes an unexpected turn and someone says something that wasn’t quite meant to come out.”
Those unplanned moments and conversations, the ones that leave you wanting more, are exactly what we’re avoiding while we workshop a cool way to say hello. “The way we live our lives is making us socially anxious. We are trapped inside our own heads, terrified to reach out to one another in case we embarrass ourselves. All of this means when it comes to connecting – to approaching someone you think is hot in a bar or making friends at a party – all of it starts to feel impossible,” Annie says.
“Texting lets you edit, delay and disappear, so a lot of us have become fluent in a kind of communication that has no risk and thus no stakes,” says Shan. It’s why the same opener keeps circulating. Without in-person accountability, we can ghost our way out of a connection with no real consequence. “We let messages sit because responding honestly feels difficult and sometimes use ‘setting boundaries’ as an excuse to disengage. I know I’ve done all of these things,” William admits.
Where does that leave us? “Without the added context of body language and tone, we tend to interpret messages in the worst faith, project all of our own fears onto them so that we perceive rejection, when really someone was just saying they’d rather meet a bit later in the day,” says Annie. When we’re reading messages on our phone, we lose all signifiers of sincerity. “Without this feedback loop, people repeat the same social faux pas without seeing where the communication breakdown is happening,” adds Shan.
The appetite for something is real is there: according to one study 78% of those aged 22–35 are looking for serious relationships. To reframe our relationship with each other, we need to reframe our relationship with dating apps, Shan says. “It seems like right now most people treat online dating like the whole relationship instead of the front door to one. They’ll spend three weeks perfecting a text exchange and never actually meet.” The end goal hasn’t moved, “people just need a clearer path to get there.”
William’s advice: opt for directness over polish. “Be direct. Be funny. Suggest a plan. I think making an actual invitation forces a decision that endless chatting conveniently allows you to avoid. Just ask me out. There are really only two answers to that.” Annie’s is to skip the small talk: “Rather than asking something generic like ‘How is your day?’ go deep into something specific. It might seem as though you’re having a dumb conversation about olive oil, for example, but really you’re talking about cultural tastes, values, assumptions, class – you’re also seeing their humour.”
Looking back, my best connections never followed a script. They happened through instinct, over a shared love of carbs or a joke that landed when it probably shouldn’t have, a conspiratorial smirk exchanged between just us two. “Good conversation is like a dance,” says William. “Sometimes, it can feel like you’ve got two left feet. But it’s also fun and playful and enriching. Let go and enjoy it.”
Maybe we haven’t lost the art of conversation, after all. I think we’ve just forgotten that the best ones happen when you finally let your guard down.
Shan’s 5 Ways To Approach Conversations Online And Translate Them Into Real Life
1. Rethink The App
“It would be better to think of dating apps as meeting apps. They provide an opportunity to meet people without needing fate to intervene to make an intro possible. After that, they allow you to gauge if you have some overlap on the big three (values, lifestyle, intentions) before deciding if you’d like to invest time in getting to know each other.”
2. Reframe Your Own Narrative
“Take on a ‘yes... and’ mindset instead of a ‘no... but’ mindset. A ‘No... but’ mindset can sound like, ‘No I don’t want to go out, but I can scroll from my sofa’ or ‘No, I would never walk up to a stranger, but I’ll message someone who shows interest first.’ A ‘yes... and’ approach is a hybrid, where you maximise your efforts online by creating a ‘good’ profile and commit to proven practices that help connections happen, like attending events or classes within your area of interest.
3. If All Else Fails, Be Prepared
“The number one thing people should look for in a partner is someone who can take in new information and then change their old ways. ‘What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?’ is a high-stakes question that comes off pretty low stakes. The right question does half the work of the whole conversation for you.”
4. Lay The Groundwork
“Use voice or video call first, and suggest a few date-type prompts, like: ‘What have you’ve never done in this city but always wanted to try?’ If it feels good, commit to a full date soon. The answer to that question should help you decide where!”
5. Get To The Point
“A good exchange doesn’t need weeks to prove itself. Think about a handful of honest messages and the confidence to suggest a meeting soon after. This is where you can get in the ‘reps’ that now matter, like reading a reaction, sitting with a pause, recovering from an awkward moment but connecting and communicating, in real time.”
This article is part of On Connection, Service95’s special issue in partnership with Bumble. Discover all the stories here.
